Thursday, October 16, 2014
For draft feedback
Since my draft still incomplete, I suggest to worry mostly with coherence and grammatical suggestions. Also, what questions do you have about this issue, what else I should address? Do you have a point of view to share so that I can take it in consideration? Please feel free... thanks!
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This is fabulous. I think it is a fascinating topic and you have covered it well. I really like your sources and the way you have incorporated them to support your views. They make it all the more convincing.
ReplyDeleteYou mention NCLB a few times, but you may want to make a note of how it is one of the reasons for cuts, not only in playtime, but also in school budgets. You make note of it in response to your sources, but I think it might strengthen your argument if you bring up the concrete grades versus actual child development issue.
On a related topic, some readers are going to want steps; concrete things to follow children's progress if not the grades that NCLB champions. What would you say to that?
I like your close with Finland (good example with a nice literacy rate), but I think it would also be helpful if you led the reader to the conclusion - what should we do? You have wonderful ideas and support for them in the body of your essay - now lay out what we should do in schools to help our students compete with the Finns.
You mention grammatical and coherence issues - I could give you the hard copy back with some notes if you'd like. I apologize for my absence in class today; I was going to give it to you then.
It was a real pleasure to read this, and I sincerely hope that you share this with others along the way.